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Saturday, 11 June 2011 @ 01:24
Alright I have to admit that my previous post did not make any sense and come to think of it, most of my blog posts don't make sense haha ohgod sadly it pretty much tells you a lot about myself really. So hurray to me because exams are finally over! Love, love, LOVEEEEE this feeling. I mean seriously, who doesn't? You slug your guts out for 2 whole weeks due to self-induced last minute excessive cramming, tackling one exam after another while trying not to get consumed by the abyss of stress... then it all comes to an end, a standstill... it's over! Liberated. LIBERATED. LIBERATION!! Followed by a wild night immersed with buckets of organic compounds with an -OH group, head banging, shouting, making faces at random strangers... amnesia... puking... collapsing... getting chucked out... more memory loss... and finally comatose! Wasn't entirely thrilled on the fact that everyone else had to leave because I got thrown out but they got their revenge so I'm cool (evil people).
Post exams life is amazing!! Until results day of course but that can wait. Only problem now is I got too much free time? Will be perfect if baby's or that I'm back in Sg with my girls. But being here is not all that bad really. Spending a good few days catching up and arranging US stuff with Fel in London and as usual drinking lots and lots of tea <3 <3 <3 Rushed back to Brumland just in time for the BBQ with myfellowbelovedmedics followed closely with intense poker session and X-men obsession. Photoshoot with Sarahthenextbigphotographer was so fun and awkward... but mostly fun! I've never realise how hard it is to pose infront of the camera and how much effort one has to put in to get ONE good picture. Yes good picture, not even a perfect one. And a good picture is like 1 out of what, 60 shots? I'm not even joking. Probably cause I'm not a very good model... I CAN'T CONTROL MY FACIAL MUSCLES. Bell's palsy. Oh and I pout too much (Do I? Do I?) All in all it was good fun. This reminds me I NEED A NEW CAMERA FOR US but I have no idea which one to get. A professional DSLR? A vintage camera? A semi-pro camera? Or simply a compact point and shoot. Chances are I'll probably end up getting the camera Fel recommended - Canon Powershot G12 even though its not as pretty as....
 Srsly how pretty is that? The price is pretty sweet too. So yes... A DSLR would be too big and I'm not that into photography... not digital photography anyway (<3 lomo ttm). But I'll need a decent one for travel and I need it to be sitting securely in my travel bag by the 26th. Plenty of time Jess, plenty of time...
Okay final whiney note... I really need to get down to exercising. My current degree of unfitness is unbelievable. WHY ARE ABS SO FRIGGING DIFFICULT TO ACHIEVE? Btw, on a completely different note, if your local cinema is showing the uncensored version of Hangover II, DON'T WATCH IT. You can if you wanna be scarred for life :)
Now moving on to tumblr...
Saturday, 21 May 2011 @ 22:54
Was reading my post below and realised the amount of typos I have hahahahahahahahhaha Twinne's right. People using iPhones do type funny! Oh well, tired. Toodleloo.
@ 22:21
I've given up studying for the day and decided to go to bed instead although I'm not really sleepy yet. Anyhow today may not be the most adventurous or the most productive (sadly, would be handy if it was) but it's the one of those days that you go to bed wandering about what 'could've been' and questioning the things in life. That's right, a day filled with nothing but boring medical stuff and yet thinking about the day is keeping me awake. You see, outside my window is a place for blind people. I'm not quite sure but judging from the people who enters and leaves the place, I assume it has something to do with the blind. This afternoon I saw a man with his stick at the gate of the place that I was talking about when I happened to loom out my window. He opened the gate, closed it without leaving, stood there for a good 5 mins tapping his feet and shaking his head. And then he turned around and walked back towered the door of the house where he came from the first time. I know what you're thinking, blind man who perhaps forgot something and was just heading back to get it but the funny thing was he kept doing the same thing over and over again. Walking back and forth, back and forth and mind you the distance between the door and the gate outside is about a good 200 metres and yes I watched him do the same thing for like 4 times? That took and then I gave up figuring what he was trying to do and returned to my books. Okay suddenly I don't know where I'm going with this haha and I don't even know why I'm blogging about this! Anyway, 14 mins ago, just as I turned the lights off I thought of the man this afternoon. So I decided to see if he was still outside, I mean what are the odds that he'll still be? It's like 1030 at night. But I did it anyway and boy oh boy, he was there, at the gate doing the exact same thing he was doing this afternoon. And I wonder if he stopped at all during the time in-between. And I couldn't help but watch him for another 10 mins. At one point, he looked like he was having a seizure. But he didn't, which I'm glad cause I'll be outside in the cold right now instead of my warm bed if he was. Anyway, I was watching him and I had this urge to just go and find out what he was doing. So so so tempted. But just when I decided to do it, he stopped! And he didn't even leave, he went back into that place and never came out again. Strange. Now I'm here with my eyes wide open wondering about how different this moment will be if I were to have found out the reason behind such bizarre actions and perhaps I would have found some wisdom or enlightenment through it. I mean, there's a reason why I spend almost 30mins watching him right? I should have learned something for this shouldn't I? Shame I didn't find out... And now I'll never know UNLESS he does it again tmrw! I'll ask then! But I hope, for his own sake that he doesn't. Alright, bed time...
Tuesday, 10 May 2011 @ 14:20
That heading applies to a lot of people in my life actually. Those who stood by me through the ups, downs and the distance; those who welcome me back with warmth to this familiarly foreign land and the one who flew all the way and back just to make my birthday extra special... and it was, every single minute of it was priceless. That night I didn't thank God for my wonderful life. I thanked him for giving me the chance to meet all these wonderful people who have contributed to my wonderful life. And I thanked him for all the love he has given me through all these people even though I don't think I deserve it. But I'm thankful and I wouldn't have it any other way. This year, my birthday resolution is to be a better person to the people around me. I don't think I'm selfless and generous enough to be a better person as a whole, that's probably too far-fetched but I'll try to, in my capacity at least, for the people who love me.
Friday, 6 May 2011 @ 19:28
 Happy 20th, Twinnie !!! ♥I congratulate myself for getting into your blog, hehehehe. Anyway ! If only that was a real cake right ! ;) You flew off before I even had the chance to make you a card or something. But anyhow, hope you're enjoying this special day in UK (it's not 7th yet there, but you can start now) ! Because such a beautiful (inside & out) person deserves it. I mean that - points to previous sentence - sincerely kay ! It's not just that this is your birthday so I'm being extra nice ! Ahha. Oh I was just thinking of how we used to hack into each other's blogs (more you than me !:) And it suddenly seems so long. Like you've been in uk for coming 4 years now and we've known each other for... almost 10 years now ?! :O It's almost half our lives. Although we've changed over the years and all, I'm still glad that our friendship hasn't (: Mushy much ? The bottomline is just that I'm very thankful for having a friend like you - for being there and for just about everything. Hope everything's going fine with you over there (: Even though it's been what ? One week since you flew ? I miss you ♥ (and Mario) Ahahahahahahhaha. Study hard and party hard (today) so that you'll be coming back soon ! And I know that you can do it. Even when you feel like it's too much, it's too tough, you can do it. Because the goal at the end will be so much more fulfilling than all the stuff right now. I have absolute faith that you can do it ! I'll even let you use me as a guinea pig (: So yes, go have an awesome 20th !!! You're old now, too :D Love always, the younger (at heart;) Twinnie ♥
Saturday, 12 March 2011 @ 11:27
Everyone has an inner self they don't know about. And sometimes, that person inside is so ugly and pathetic that you'd rather die then let her take over you. There I said it, I'd rather die. This morning I read on BBC about the calamity in Japan and I felt so small. What I felt was nothing compared to them and when I look at what I have and what I haven't lost, I decided that I wasn't allowed to break, to be sad and that I should take what I have, suck it up and move on. Eventually, everyone will have to. So I wrote a little verse for my suddenly-inspired-to-compose song while the tea was brewing. AGFFGA Cause you're stronger than this All you have is one wish That everything will turn out fine And when life gets you down Soldier on, turn it around In the end you'll be alright x
Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 23:23
At this moment, this very minute I'm ashame to say that I'm broken. And I don't know how to fix myself, I don't know how to fix this. I'm losing my humanity, I'm losing my fucking mind. I can't feel anymore. I tell myself I don't care and that this too, like the many others will pass and that everything will be okay. But the truth is, we all know it never gets better or rather it never got better. We forced ourselves to believe that nothing really fell apart in the first place because its always easier to assume that bad things never happened. I do that. I run away from the truth, I run away from the pain, I run away from the fact that my whole family is build on a fucking lie. I lie. I pretend. I pretend I'm fine with it and to be honest, I'm good at it, so good to the point that I believe myself when I say I'm fine because I block it all. I block it all out. All the fights, the tears, the shouting, the separation, the selfishness... I block it all out, and my life becomes better for awhile. But now I'm worried that I've grown so detached that I'm losing the pain that I always feel and to be fair, should feel when it happens again, when THEY happen again. The same pain I've lived with since the earliest memories I have as a child. The pain which I've learned to bury so deep to the extent that I don't remember experiencing it. But is this right? Is this right at all? Is it right to choose happiness over reality? Is it right to not feel this pain? Because when I allow myself to feel it, I don't feel anything. I don't react to the usuals like before. I become stoned, rock-hearted and nonchalant to what used to easily bring me to tears and I just move on with life like it never happened and that I honestly don't care. Is it right then? Is it right to not feel at all? And does not feeling equate to not caring? I find myself scary. I scare myself. I'm a bad person. I don't care. I don't fucking care. And just a few minutes ago I tried; I tried searching for the pain, I need to prove that I'm still human and that I'm still capable of feeling. I sat down in front of the computer, googled 'family quotes' and looked at chunks and chunks of heartwarming family quotes. I tried to think of the happy times and by default my memory picks up the most horrific scenes, it always does that. Normally, I just don't think about it but this time I dig deeper and deeper into it. I was searching for something I know I didn't want, I was searching for something I used to have but have chosen to exterminate. I was searching and searching, digging and digging and then it hit me. That pain. Like tsunami, it hit me hard. And I started crying. I never cried because of this when I'm away from home, never; and for this first time in a long time, I cried for the pain, I cried for my family and I cried for my own pathetic self and about how broken I truly am. I was right, the pain was better buried cause it fucking hurts and it takes fucking long to feel again as well. So what do I do now? Where do I go from here? I need this pain to stay human but its too hard to bear, too hard to face and too hard to live with. My whole life build on a lie. My whole life build on a belief that everything is going to be okay when we all knew it was never gonna be from the very beginning. My whole life is build on a lie. A fucking lie called Family.
Thursday, 17 February 2011 @ 22:43
 You wait for rain and I chase the storm We just don't see it the same way You say you want change but you're never sure We can't go on like this anymore Cause at the end of the day You wait for rain and I chase the storm
@ 22:13
My blackberry's light just blinked orange and I wondered who did I assign the colour to. Normally it only flashes either red (normal), white (liyuan) or green (kamal).... and completely forgot that I put your number under orange :) I miss you baby, and you're not making it any easier with the card you sent me. Need you back right now, need you back right now.
Perhaps living under the same roof with a couple, a couple who just got together, a very loving couple who just got together, a very loving couple who just got together and happen to be my bestest friends in uni, is not easy. Hmm strange? Don't get me wrong, I love them very much and am extremely happy for them cause they look so cute together! But it's just strange you know, when I try to give them more space without making it seem awkward or different and them trying to make me feel comfortable, pretending that everything's the same. In some way it is, but in most way it isn't and I just don't know what to say or do anymore. I'm not lonely, I don't feel lonely and it's not the loneliness because they're still my friends. But it's just different and I can't seem to put it right without making myself sound like a selfish, difficult friend who's making too big a fuss, sigh, hence I shall just stop here.
Spending 4 days of quality time with Fel and Lihx in London was a great distraction from work and everything that has been going on with my life in Birmingham. Had no idea how much I missed them until it hurt so much when we said goodbye. Need to see them soon and I will. Meanwhile, I should really control my spending. London, I swear, is the reason why shopaholics land themselves in credit debts and are forced into therapy. I need to stop spending. I need to stop spending on clothes, bags and shoes. Okay maybe not shoes. Alright, maybe shoes too. Oh sigh... I need to live the life man. And when I mean the life, I mean: Sipping high tea in selfridges after short walks in and out of Chanel, Gucci, Miumiu, Balenciaga, Alexander Wang, DVF, YSL, Tiffanys and Hermes. The Life.
Am drinking way too much tea these days, wonder if there'll be any impediment to my health. Oh well without tea I'd rather not have health anyways, caffeine ftw. Need to start working. CANCER CANCER CANCER; REPRO, REPRO, REPRO; BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN.
Later.
Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 16:50
 I guess that's what saying goodbye is always like - like jumping off an edge. The worst part is making the choice to do it. Once you're in the air, there's nothing you can do but let go.
Just came back from a routine shopping for groceries at Tesco's and damn I still can't find the kind of preserved cherries Mrs. Brooks used to give us for dessert when I was still living in Croydon. Perphaps I should drop her a fbook msg asking her how's she doing, how's her family doing and where she got those lovely cherries from! I wonder what's for dinner tonight.
Ohya I finished my book. I love this one. I love how I hate wanting to know more about the story even though it has already ended. I love how it talks about every character so interestingly throughout the book and then leaves a page on how each of them ended up right at the end before the credits - relapsed, cured, found and dead. A million little pieces by James Frey - true story.
Watched the Tourist yesterday while Mm and Li were out dating :) They are so cute together and I wish they stay together forever. I think they went to see the Black Swan after my fervent recommendation, mind you I watched it twice. Natalie Portman is currently ranked top place on my list of female crushes and that movie made me slightly proud of the fact that I did ballet for 5 years even though I completely gave it up and my body is as flexible as a carrot. I'm rooting for her for Best Actress in the Oscars!! Ohya back to the Tourist... it's a very strange movie and if you're debating between catching Black Swan or the Tourist, I've already made that decision for you.
Alright I'm off to do some Reproduction now. Ew sounds dodgy.. as much as I want a baby. One of my current module is on reproduction and embryogenesis so yeah, there you go, I am not about to have a baby :)
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